uh oh
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I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.