Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.