“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
You Might Also Like
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
This rocks
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My daily affirmation
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.