Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
A French press is when you hug naked
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up