The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
More like Kate Missington.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
It was worth a shot 😂
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Ovenable?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.