Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.