[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
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How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence