Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
You Might Also Like
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.