Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
🤣🤣🤣
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!