Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?