You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Worth remembering.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.