[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.