Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
sry
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.