I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
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#Caturday
Thick as shit.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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