robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
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My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.