[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
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Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”