beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
😅😅😅
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom