The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
The glory of fall.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.