I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.