[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Ah..makes sense now
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?