I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
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Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Received some very disappointing news today
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.