this has to be peak English
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My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
no
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.