[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]