Seas the day!!!!
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
love it when they get my name right
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.