American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc