said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.