There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me trying to reach for my goals
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.