My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
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[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I’m putting together a team
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Mountain Goat : )
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency