Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Yes
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
new record!
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.