Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I occasionally drink every single night.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.