Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
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What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*