Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
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We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
You wish you had this many chins.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook