Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.