Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.