My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
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I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
being a writer on Twitter:
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do