*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?