We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
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The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.