The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF