Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
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heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol