Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
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“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
ok this is my dumbest yet
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler