Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Florida man
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one