Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
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At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
This sweet pup found a new friend 馃枻
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I might not be girlfriend material but I鈥檓 definitely
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “碌”
called? Student : Torrent
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Taliband
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.