[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.