me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
There are no pants in heaven.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.