“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for