If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
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Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
and now we wait
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.