If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
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Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
This was my dad’s browser history.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”