Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
You are not alone 💚
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”