I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.