Stephen King ruined corn children for me
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Discuss
What a chick magnet..
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing